Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
