I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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