So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
