i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
