if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize