My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
