Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
