walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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