so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
