the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
