I can text with my tongue
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
