oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
