Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
