So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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