you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
