At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
