So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So vagazzling was a success
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