morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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