Pants 0. Shit 1.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
