just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
