I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
