Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
