theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
