I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
