What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
