I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
