Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
