put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
