I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
