ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
