i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
