I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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