He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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