Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
