Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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