drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
