normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
