you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
