dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
