Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
