Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
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Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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