It's like God shit irony all over that family
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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