I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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