Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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