i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
