We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
