I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
