chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
