Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
