that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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