i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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