If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
