just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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