I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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