Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
