You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
