I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
