girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
