How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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