This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
