I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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